Ask
Chance...
Answers from
Chance the Wonder Dog |
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Dear
Chance, my human's legs keep getting blood on my fur during the circle-up.
What can be done to compensate for the inferior human condition of small
amounts of shiggy-blocking leg hair? - Old Red
| Dear
Old Red, at Sports Authority and other stores your humans can buy strong,
long socks to protect their lower legs from shiggy. Nip
them lightly if they try to buy the loosely woven type that will snag on
every briar… one type (24 inches tall) that Hare Lips and Sticky Fingers
have found shiggy-resistant is shown at right. |
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Dear
Chance, how is it that my barks can now be translated into those scribbles
humans call printing? -Spot
Dear
Spot, using the Mark III, version 2.01 military K-9 translator at Fort
Gillem, your intelligent and logical barking is converted into these silly
looking marks. This is a great way to communicate, and you are able
to protect humans from feeling inferior because on the Internet, nobody
knows you are a dog.
Dear
Chance, the human I own is apparently allergic to Frontline Top Spot.
Although it protects me from ticks for 30 days (and fleas for 90 days),
I hate it when ticks crawl onto me from my stupid human. Even worse,
my human does not know how to remove them without causing an infection.
-- Frisky
| Dear
Frisky, old wives tales survive and some silly humans still think they
can use oil or hot matches to make ticks back-out… but, before they
back-out ticks regurgitate into the skin when such irritants are applied,
thus causing an infection. Also, tick mouths cannot be "unscrewed"
and the only proper extraction to minimize breaking off the mouth (and
causing infection) is gentle pulling straight up from the skin surface.
Expensive tick tools are available from REI and other fine outdoor supply
stores, but cuticle cutters like the one shown below can be bought at most
department stores and do equally as well. Have your human move the
v-slot to both sides of the tick head, then lift gently straight up.
Deer ticks in Georgia do not normally carry Lyme disease per the CDC, but
you can send your human to THIS
LINK if they plan to visit a high risk state and want to see pictures
of the tell-tale Lyme disease bulls eye rash. |
Actual
Size
(with
my chew marks on the handle)
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-
Close-up
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Dear
Chance, my humans sometimes leave me home when they Hash. How can
I train them to correct this anti-canine habit? - Killer
| Dear
Killer, humans are dense and the direct approach is best. Urine on
their bed and feces in jogging shoes seldom gets the message across.
My preferred method is to wrap a 75 foot rope surreptitiously around one
of their ankles, then run at full speed and listen to them howl when the
rope snaps taut… they will get the message! (P.S. This revenge
feels especially good if the leg you break belongs to the human that had
you neutered.) |
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From: bud c playso
To: <chance@onin.com>
Subject: leg infection
help me, my leg hurts,,,
i think i have some kind of skin or fungal
infections on my right back
leg just where my knee joint would be. it is
oozing a little bit of blood
and puss and i am sick and tired of licking
it. my parents don't know
what to do to help me. please give me some
answers.
a dog with one bad wheel,
keiko
Dear
Keiko,
Now's
a good time to get into the habit of rubbing that oozing spot on your master's
bare leg... right when he/she/they first get up in the morning is a good
time. While they're brushing their teeth or drying off from the shower
is also nice. This will get them to thinking about getting you to
a vet later in the day.
Think
back to the last time you visited the vet... if you remember something
a little painful, then they probably don't use lubricant. You might
want to lick where the sun don't shine just before going into the examining
room.
Please
write back and let me know how things go.
--Chance |
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